Snowfall in England

Ooooo snow. Normal people would think about building a snowman or having a snow fight when they witness snow for the first time in over a year... 

Me? I just really wanna piss all over it, high five myself, call myself Leonardo Da Vinci and and get back into bed.

It's just gone past the halfway mark of January and weather forecasts are alarming us all about snowfall. We wouldn't be British if we didn't panic.. so what do we do? Get the grit salt ready and put it all over your driveway? - No, of course not. How about get some de-icer spray for when the car windscreen gets icy as fuck? - Nope. That's a dumb idea... I'll just put boiling hot water on it and take the risk of cracking the whole window. How about go onto social media and write a life long status about how much you hate the snow, how much you love the snow, and best of all... Moan about people writing statuses about the snow? - Yes, that's the best idea of  them all.

The morning comes, you look outside your window... you see the streets are whiter than your bed-sheets (but then again you've got an excuse for that; nocturnal enuresis.) You think back and start to hate the fact you weren't prepared for this moment. You've got to drive literally 10 minutes down the road through less than a centimeter's height of snow and you're convinced if you drive, you'll most definitely die. So you start to think of different plans. Walk? Fuck that, you'll be walking like frikken' Bambi. But you ignore all the plans in your head, because you start to feel this hatred for that person who said that it's too cold to snow... You start to picture yourself suffocating that person with your dirty socks. Not because you realised that they were wrong, but because you still haven't a single clue what on Earth they were on about and you're certain it's the most stupidest logic you've ever heard. You start to question if you even learnt about snow in school. Your mind skips all the stuff you did at school... Slowly and gradually, you find yourself looking at the snow white scenery outside your window whilst questioning your entire life... 

Then all of a sudden you stand up and you decide to make a snowman, You dedicate a whole 10 minutes making this snowman. Why? Oh, of course, because it's January and you didn't expect it to ever snow so you haven't even got gloves on. You're almost certain your hands are blistering with blood pouring out of it, till you look at them and realise you have a fucked up imagination, Despite the fact you're fine, you still give up on that snowman because you start to feel a little cold... You look at your Snowman; you see that it was the most pathetic thing you've ever made - you start to feel that's how your parents feel about you too, so you build all this rage inside of you and you just run at the snowman and tackle it to smithereens. You get up off the ground wishing you hadn't made a snowman and wished you made something funny to put on Instagram, like a giant ejaculating penis... Your mind starts telling you to start making one, but the better half of you says "fuck it, I'll do that next year" so you go back inside and wrap up all comfortable and get back into bed and watch movies all day until you fall back to sleep again.

Enjoy the snow, folks...

Twitter: @Mrfungilicious

Snapchat: JSingh4

Instagram: JSingh4

Stupid pop-ups...

I'm sick of these shitty things that pop-up every now and then... "JASON STATHAM REVEALS HIS SECRETS ON HOW HE GOT IN SHAPE TO LOOK LIKE A TANK", there's loads of other ones too: The Rock, Vin Diesel, the list goes on. I haven't bothered reading them cuz, let's face it, I ain't gonna look right if I had that body. ANYWAYS, my main point is that them posts are usually viruses and people need to stop clicking on them links. I tell you what, I'll make it easier for you and tell you exactly how to get that body.

1. Eat healthy (no fun there)

2. Join the gym (RIP money)

3. Quit masturbating (good luck, pal) 

4. Or you can just take steroids and possibly become a wife-beater. (Sounds appealing, right?)

There you have it. Fuck yeah...

Peace. ✌🏾️

"Momma, why you crazy?"

 My mother has been yelling at me to get ready so we can head out for a while now. So, I decided I'd be a good boy and speed my game up and actually get in the shower first. A little while went by and  I was lovin the comfort of the warm water... UNTIL MY MOTHER DECIDES TO WASH THE DISHES... The walls are so thin you can literally hear the pipes running to the taps in the kitchen.  A second after I decide to scream my lungs out telling her to stop her silly kitchen shenanigans... She had the nerve to say "I'm not even using the tap." WELL, THEN, DO YOU WANNA EXPLAIN THESE 3RD DEGREE BURNS ALL DOWN MY BACK!? Halloween isn't until October and my back looks like Freddy Krueger's wrinkly ball sack. 

F*cking Apple W@nkers!!

I've had this opinion, and always will. Fuckin' Apple Wankers!! People with iPhones are utter assholes. As soon as they whip out their phones they do that thing where they look around and telepathically say "oh, I'm so much better than all of you guys." They're the kind of people I wouldn't even piss on if they were on fire. They're just as bad as Hitler and I hope they all die. 

Also, I have an announcement to make... Last night, at approximately 8:45, I ordered myself an iPhone. Now I am an Apple Wanker. I am the guys who has got nothing else to live for. I am now no greater than a pig slipping around in its own shit and mud. 

Now, we all know that there's always a moral of the story when it comes to Jas' long ass shitty statuses and of course this one has one... The moral is: When something disgusts you so much and it's avoidable, you have no choice but to become that disgust. #TeamAppleWanker 

Peace.

Ebola. A monstrous thing

Ebola. It's been around forever... But as soon as a white man's been infected by it, the whole world has mentally bubbled themselves with an imaginary force field. So, here I am, today, to lighten your mood up. Well, you might already be happy today, but we all know Ebola is somewhere on your mind. I've made a list of things that are much worse than having Ebola.... Enjoy. 

1. Falsely being told you have Ebola. 

2. Dead parents. (Even ask Batman)

3. When the palm of your hand is itchy and won't go away, no matter how hard you scratch it. 

4. Sleep Paralysis 

5. When you're in bed and your light's on but the switch is on the other side of the room.  

6. When a chav thinks he's not a chav - "I love Guns N Roses... Their song 'Smells Like Teen Spirit' is a top song."

7. Being a chav. 

8. When you walk on black ice and slip on to a pile of dog shit. (It's not happened to me, I swear)  

9. Tea with no sugars. (You might as well just drink hot water) 

10. Toilet Selfies.  (Like, grow up, people...)

Legally Changed My Name!!

My name is exactly the same. All I've just done is changed the spelling of my surname to the CORRECT spelling. My name was, Jaskaran Singh Bhattle... And I changed it to Jaskaran Singh Bhathal. I know what you're all probably NOT thinking (I hope you were, but either way, you're racist), "Jas, why didn't you change your first name as well? It sounds like a Middle Eastern, no fly-zoned country full of WMDs." I was thinking of it at first but then I just thought to myself: Who gives a fuck? No one ever calls me by my first name anyway - mainly because they just give up on the second attempt of trying to pronounce the HIDEOUS name... (in case you haven't already noticed, I'm not a fan of my own name.)

There's a few things kind of weird about this whole situation. 1. How on Earth did my father manage to misspell our whole family's surname? 2. After 35+ years, why does he even give a fuck all of a sudden? I haven't bothered asking my father for the reasons, but I have bothered to come up with my own theory though - 'Cuz I'm a twat.

(Note: My theory is ever so slightly OVER exaggerated)

35+ years ago, my dad came off his banana boat and set his sandal wearing feet on the land of the Queen. At border control, they looked at his Kenyan passport and asked what his name was in ENGLISH.. (Even though the passport is in English - That's not the point... Just hear me out...)
My father obviously only knew very little English. But bare in mind he knows other useless languages but didn't bother learning English (Those languages: Punjabi, Hindi, Gujarati, Swahili.) Okay, I should stop overly ripping my own father and just get back to my theory. Anyway, they probably just heard my father say the surname and just wrote how it sounded (as you would).

Moral of the story is... name your children something nice... and something they won't wanna kill themselves over. (not referring to my surname, but my first name) Thank you and good night.

Twitter: @MRFUNGILICIOUS

The Creeper

Recently, this guy has been calling my sister on her phone at ridiculous time and saying the most vile things to her. She gave me his number for me to "investigate"... I saved him to my phone as "WankStain" and little did my sister know that I sent it to every number in my phonebook and told them to prank call it whenever they get bored, and all I want in return is a name. After just a week, all I've ever wanted in my life is this catfucker's name. None of the people I speak to recognized the number. The only thing I had on him is the fact he has a really shitty Brummy accent or a Midlands Accent (whatever, they all sound the same.) 
But anyway, long story short, I found out his name... I was looking through the people who are in my phonebook that I haven't yet added yet on Snapchat and "WankStain" came up. Ladies and gentlemen, his name is Ricky Hothi (Here's his number if you wanna prank him: 07508983724)
The story doesn't end here... I did my part, found out the name and passed it onto my sister and she can deal with whatever she wants to do with that name but, I have this fuckers Snapchat.... Soooo, I did what every immature fucker would do to a guy like that... I sent him a Snapchat of my morning poop, titled "I'm coming to get you, Ricky Boy." I've decided to send him loads and loads of Snapchats of fucked up stuff, with the same title... Feel free to join in... His Snapchat is "RickyHothi" but make sure you title you Snapchats with "I'm coming to get you, Ricky Boy." 

Okay, hope you all do the right thing and join in. Have a nice day... Also brb, I'mma send him a Snapchat of my penis. It's tiny but it'll do the damage to his brain... 
PEACE.