The Creeper

Recently, this guy has been calling my sister on her phone at ridiculous time and saying the most vile things to her. She gave me his number for me to "investigate"... I saved him to my phone as "WankStain" and little did my sister know that I sent it to every number in my phonebook and told them to prank call it whenever they get bored, and all I want in return is a name. After just a week, all I've ever wanted in my life is this catfucker's name. None of the people I speak to recognized the number. The only thing I had on him is the fact he has a really shitty Brummy accent or a Midlands Accent (whatever, they all sound the same.) 
But anyway, long story short, I found out his name... I was looking through the people who are in my phonebook that I haven't yet added yet on Snapchat and "WankStain" came up. Ladies and gentlemen, his name is Ricky Hothi (Here's his number if you wanna prank him: 07508983724)
The story doesn't end here... I did my part, found out the name and passed it onto my sister and she can deal with whatever she wants to do with that name but, I have this fuckers Snapchat.... Soooo, I did what every immature fucker would do to a guy like that... I sent him a Snapchat of my morning poop, titled "I'm coming to get you, Ricky Boy." I've decided to send him loads and loads of Snapchats of fucked up stuff, with the same title... Feel free to join in... His Snapchat is "RickyHothi" but make sure you title you Snapchats with "I'm coming to get you, Ricky Boy." 

Okay, hope you all do the right thing and join in. Have a nice day... Also brb, I'mma send him a Snapchat of my penis. It's tiny but it'll do the damage to his brain... 
PEACE.

Takeaway Food & I

I want to share a few stories with you. And I hope you find it funny, but most of all I hope you realize that the online delivery service and I have been through a lot together! We're basically fuck buddies... JOKE! Now get that sick imagery out of your perverted minds.
There's one thing I find really funny about the way Just-Eat works. And that is the fact that they email you 3-4 days after your order - asking whether your meal went well and what not. But in my head all I read is "DID YOU HAVE THE SHITS".... That has got to be the reason why they Email you over 3 days later.

On the comment section before the end of the order, I tend to get bored and just send them dirty jokes, or sometimes like to make 'em feel uncomfortable by saying "Add extra chillys.. enough for me to shit for a whole week"

Okay, so here's one story which I found pretty hilarious.
I was hosting a mini get-together at my home last year and I was starving so I thought I'd order some food for myself because I'm a lazy bastard and couldn't be bothered making myself anything plus I don't really know how to cook. So, when I was ordering food, I got up to around £20 in total costs and all I had on the list was like 2 pizzas or something... I carried on with the order and confirmed it with "Pay on Delivery" but as it was pending I realised that it was a restaurant in St. Helens (pretty distant but not too far) so I thought FUCK THAT, that'll take forever... SO I just closed the window on my laptop and carried on searching for another takeaway, thinking nothing about that previous order. From this new Takeaway I found, I ordered the exact same things as I ordered from the other takeaway AND the price came to to £12 ... I high five'd myself straight away and waited... and waited... and waited.. and guess what? - I WAITED... TOOK AN HOUR..... Then it finally came.. I ate it like a monster.... Or you could say, I ate it like an Ethiopian that saw food for the first time.
20 minutes after my feast with my friends, the door knocked again... I went outside, and SAW that it was another delivery guy. But this delivery guy looked like some kind of illegal immigrant -he didnt sound like he was a fluent English speaker... I immediately knew it was the other takeaway from St. Helens so I just went outside.
The delivery guy was confused why I did'nt respond to the box of pizzas so he just said, "did you order food?".. I obviously said NO otherwise I'd have to PAY for something I didn't want. So, he was showing me the receipt WITH MY FUCKIN NAME ON IT & WITH MY ADDRESS ON IT... And I was like, "Naaa, it must be a wrong address or something"... The poor brown guy really confused looking down the street... I didn't want him to bother us again so I told him not to knock again because "EPIC EXCUSE" MY MOTHERS ASLEEP..... And he said "Na, I will ring number, sorry to bother you".
I immediately ran into the house and took the wires out of the house phone... BUT I kept on getting calls on my mobile, but I never picked up... They carried on ringing and ringing for THREE WHOLE HOURS... But I was being a cunt and not picking up.
But then EVENTUALLY I GOT A TEXT SAYING:
"You Paki basterd, I know where you live.. Im gonna get your windows smashed you Curry loving fuckface"
.....I couldnt stop laughing for ages, and my phone was getting swarmed with hate texts soo I went and text THEM BACK... I didn't wanna argue about the abuse, I just wanted to fuck with their heads... I had something in my mind at the time, They called me a "paki" (I'm actually Indian) cause they read my horrible name... So I thpught of the best way to MINDFUCK 'em
I replied saying: "DUDE, I'M WHITE! ;)" .... I woke up to billions of miscalls the next day LMAO

Now, for my final story of this blog-post!!
I got bored waiting for my food so I thought I'd bother the Online Helpline on the site, HERE IT IS... ENJOY and have a nice day:


Welcome to Just Eat Customer Services.

You are through to Lauren. 

Lauren:
Hello, you are through to Lauren, how may I help you?
JAS:
WHERE IS MY FOOD? ♥
Lauren:
I can see it is not due until 17.05pm?
JAS:
thats 5 mins?
Lauren:
Yes
JAS:
butbut but, im hungryyyy
JAS:
lol
Lauren:
So it should be with you in the next 5-6 minutes
Lauren:
Sorry Jas
Lauren:
Is there anything else I can help you with?>
JAS:
Well, I do have a back problem you could help me with,... Oh and a trapped nerve in my neck?
Lauren:
I'm sorry, I can't help you with those things
Lauren:
Is there anything else JUST EAT related that I can help you with?
JAS:
But, you asked You soooo miserable GAWWWWD
JAS:
foods here
JAS:
thakknkkksss
Lauren:
OK, have a nice evening and enjoy your food.