9 Months Later

"You were only meant to be a wipe on your mother's curtains", "you were only meant to be a wank," I've heard them all, and I sure as hell have said the worst among my friends and we just laugh and joke about it. It's quite strange to even think about what was going on in our parents' minds before you were born. I mean that's obvious, nobody wants to be imagining their mother getting drilled by their father, nor would anyone ever want to go into their father's mind just as he was about fill his loved one with the love juice. I've somehow developed  the tolerance to think of these things without wanting to throw up or blow my brains out. 

When people ask each other when their birthday is, normal folks would be like "oh, so you're this age", blah blah, but all I think about is who in the right made wanted you as a child. It sounds harsh but I think of life as though it's DVD: the day your born is when "Play Movie" is pressed on the menu. I don't know about you but I'm just as interested in the "Making Of" option on the menu. I always think of November babies as absolute mistakes. Think about it, yeah, 'aw, a winter baby" and I'm not saying all November babies are mistakes, just for arguments sake, let's rewind it back 9 months. What was it? February - And what's in February? That's right, it's Valentines Day. - And what happens on Valentine's Day? Fucking mistakes happen (literally). Expensive gifts and cheap wine is bought by us to show how much we adore our loved ones. We dress better than we ever would all year just to show this compassion, and one thing leads to another, emotions take over and you take out all the anger you've had for each other since the previous Valentine's Day under the sheets. A vast majority of us know when it's time to pull out, but for some the anger is too real and they forget they're fucking, they think they're pistol whipping their loved ones with their love guns, it feels so good they open their eyes too late and they're not cumming into that teddy she bought him last Valentines Day that hes been fucking during the week. 

I start to wonder what my parents were up to 9 months before I was born. I'm a July, if you rewind 9 months before I was born, it'd be November. I can only imagine they went through a rough time and couldn't afford the central heating bills so they concluded the only way to get warmed up at night was to get freaky. 

At work we have this thing were we roast each other to the bone. And when I say "to the bone" I mean we get so personal but it's okay because at the end of the day we think it's hilarious and at times it makes us feel uncomfortable but that's part of the thrill. I want to give you a little taster of the kind of shit we say to make each other feel uneasy or laugh. I'm not going to say names because that's just not fair. So I'm going to give my colleague a fugazi name; let's call him Buzz - sorry, I couldn't think of a better random name. Here's a few things about Buzz I found out over the past year of working with him: Buzz's mother ran away when he was just a baby and Buzz is currently living with his dad and his grandma, and I must also not forget to mention that Buzz's dad is deaf. 

Now, before you  even start boiling your blood and wondering why that shit even matters, just know I do roast him for these things. Buzz doesn't hold back on talking shit about my parents' divorce and coming up with theories of why my dad "dipped" which I find absolutely hilarious. I just have to say Buzz is the type to chat shit about everyone so if you're sympathizing with this guy, it's almost like you're sympathizing with Hitler.

As much as I love saying Buzz should've been swallowed, I think I've nailed the theory of his whole entire existence. Picture this: Buzz's deaf dad and absolutely butters mother (butters, cuz who'd be that desperate to fuck a deaf man) getting hot and freaky in the bedroom. Buzz's dad shuffles through his drawers for condoms and has no luck in finding any. Let's be honest I don't think he ever even thought of buying any, like think about it, if you're deaf, I think getting laid would be the last thing on your mind. You'd be wondering how to take a lady to the bed without sounding like you have five packs of gum in your mouth. Anyway, back to the theory... Buzz's dad shrugs his shoulders and she instantly knows what he means. He is about to try negotiate but she covers his mouth to shut him up. The last thing a horny lady wants is to be turned off by some deaf gibberish. She then bends over, spits on her hand, smothers it down her ass crease and points at her ass hole. She reaches over to the lamp and turns it off. Buzz's dad smiles and goes to fucking town on her. I mean, he's proper going for it like it's his first time. He's going crazy like it's finally the day he's been waiting for, losing his virginity. Buzz's dad gets extra loud and is about to blow his load. She's screaming with disappointment, it's only been 30 seconds. She's so numb from his crazy speed and just comes to her senses and realizes he's in the wrong hole. Panic hits her like a bucket of water, all the regrets come rushing into her mind, she doesn't want children with this man. She continuously screams "wrong hole" but it's too late, she let a deaf guy spunk inside her. 9 months later, she's in labour for an agonizing 12 hours. She finally pops the baby out of her cunt, she looks down  and sees the ugliest baby ever - Buzz is born. After a few days rest in the hospital she can finally take Buzz home and the first thing she does is pass Buzz to the father, she goes upstairs and starts packing her shit. She packs everything in a hurry as though she's on witness protection and only has a few moments left to leave. She finally gets to the door with all her stuff, Buzz's dad looks at her and she can see it in his eyes that he's curious as to where she's off to. She looks at him and says, "I'm just going to get some cigarettes.".  She walks off into the sunset, and never to be seen again.

I told this theory to Buzz a few weeks ago... and it's hilarious... He hasn't spoke to me since, though... unless he didn't hear me... Like father like son, eh? 

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