Takeaway Food & I

I want to share a few stories with you. And I hope you find it funny, but most of all I hope you realize that the online delivery service and I have been through a lot together! We're basically fuck buddies... JOKE! Now get that sick imagery out of your perverted minds.
There's one thing I find really funny about the way Just-Eat works. And that is the fact that they email you 3-4 days after your order - asking whether your meal went well and what not. But in my head all I read is "DID YOU HAVE THE SHITS".... That has got to be the reason why they Email you over 3 days later.

On the comment section before the end of the order, I tend to get bored and just send them dirty jokes, or sometimes like to make 'em feel uncomfortable by saying "Add extra chillys.. enough for me to shit for a whole week"

Okay, so here's one story which I found pretty hilarious.
I was hosting a mini get-together at my home last year and I was starving so I thought I'd order some food for myself because I'm a lazy bastard and couldn't be bothered making myself anything plus I don't really know how to cook. So, when I was ordering food, I got up to around £20 in total costs and all I had on the list was like 2 pizzas or something... I carried on with the order and confirmed it with "Pay on Delivery" but as it was pending I realised that it was a restaurant in St. Helens (pretty distant but not too far) so I thought FUCK THAT, that'll take forever... SO I just closed the window on my laptop and carried on searching for another takeaway, thinking nothing about that previous order. From this new Takeaway I found, I ordered the exact same things as I ordered from the other takeaway AND the price came to to £12 ... I high five'd myself straight away and waited... and waited... and waited.. and guess what? - I WAITED... TOOK AN HOUR..... Then it finally came.. I ate it like a monster.... Or you could say, I ate it like an Ethiopian that saw food for the first time.
20 minutes after my feast with my friends, the door knocked again... I went outside, and SAW that it was another delivery guy. But this delivery guy looked like some kind of illegal immigrant -he didnt sound like he was a fluent English speaker... I immediately knew it was the other takeaway from St. Helens so I just went outside.
The delivery guy was confused why I did'nt respond to the box of pizzas so he just said, "did you order food?".. I obviously said NO otherwise I'd have to PAY for something I didn't want. So, he was showing me the receipt WITH MY FUCKIN NAME ON IT & WITH MY ADDRESS ON IT... And I was like, "Naaa, it must be a wrong address or something"... The poor brown guy really confused looking down the street... I didn't want him to bother us again so I told him not to knock again because "EPIC EXCUSE" MY MOTHERS ASLEEP..... And he said "Na, I will ring number, sorry to bother you".
I immediately ran into the house and took the wires out of the house phone... BUT I kept on getting calls on my mobile, but I never picked up... They carried on ringing and ringing for THREE WHOLE HOURS... But I was being a cunt and not picking up.
But then EVENTUALLY I GOT A TEXT SAYING:
"You Paki basterd, I know where you live.. Im gonna get your windows smashed you Curry loving fuckface"
.....I couldnt stop laughing for ages, and my phone was getting swarmed with hate texts soo I went and text THEM BACK... I didn't wanna argue about the abuse, I just wanted to fuck with their heads... I had something in my mind at the time, They called me a "paki" (I'm actually Indian) cause they read my horrible name... So I thpught of the best way to MINDFUCK 'em
I replied saying: "DUDE, I'M WHITE! ;)" .... I woke up to billions of miscalls the next day LMAO

Now, for my final story of this blog-post!!
I got bored waiting for my food so I thought I'd bother the Online Helpline on the site, HERE IT IS... ENJOY and have a nice day:


Welcome to Just Eat Customer Services.

You are through to Lauren. 

Lauren:
Hello, you are through to Lauren, how may I help you?
JAS:
WHERE IS MY FOOD? ♥
Lauren:
I can see it is not due until 17.05pm?
JAS:
thats 5 mins?
Lauren:
Yes
JAS:
butbut but, im hungryyyy
JAS:
lol
Lauren:
So it should be with you in the next 5-6 minutes
Lauren:
Sorry Jas
Lauren:
Is there anything else I can help you with?>
JAS:
Well, I do have a back problem you could help me with,... Oh and a trapped nerve in my neck?
Lauren:
I'm sorry, I can't help you with those things
Lauren:
Is there anything else JUST EAT related that I can help you with?
JAS:
But, you asked You soooo miserable GAWWWWD
JAS:
foods here
JAS:
thakknkkksss
Lauren:
OK, have a nice evening and enjoy your food.

For All X-FACTOR Viewers

I've got a solution for you guys who are moaning about XFactor result or the show itself.... Simply turn the television off, don't pull the plug out BUT pick up the television up and drag it outside make sure the plug ruins the socket so you can't plug in another TV in there without repairing it.... While your outside with the television, walk down towards the nearest bus stop. And If there's no buses til tomorrow - WAIT there till the first bus in the morning (usually 6AM)... DON'T STOP THE BUS... just pretend you're waiting for another bus and just before the bus goes past... THROW THE FUCKER OF A TELEVISION IN FRONT OF THE BUS...... Then last but not least... walk home, AND when you get home, sit back down on the couch/floor (wherever you were sat) and stare at the broken plug socket and have a deep think about WHAT THE FUCK YOU WERE WATCHING IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!!!! What to do next? - I'd say suicide, but that's a tad bit harsh thing to do... well, you could repair the plug socket and plug in a nice lamp or something else gay like that.
PEACE.

I'm Going To Hell

I'M SOO GOING TO HELL LOL... No disrespect to any Christians BUT a couple of Jehovah's Witnesses knocked on my door a moment ago and asked me whether any of my family has ever been a member of the church and I just replied telling 'em that I don't have a clue... They continued talking about Jesus for like 5 mins... I was actually interested in the preaching that they were giving me but after a while I started to feel the cold so I had to come up with something to shut 'em up because I've already given them 5 whole minutes of interest so I can't say I'm not interested... So I said the first stupid thing that cam to my head..... "Our family dance around a burning crucifix and hail Satan!" ... THEY LITERALLY took a step back.. I feel so bad for saying it... I had to shut the door and carry on being an Atheist. 

CONTACT DETAILS:

Twitter: @MrFungilicious

YouTube: MrFungilicious
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Skype: MrKaranSingh

The Buffet

I went to a buffet the other week and realized how all of us humans are somehow alike. When my friend, Graceface and I got our plates and started marching around the buffet, I noticed that everyone was putting little portions on the massive plate, JUST SO THERE'S MORE ROOM TO PUT MORE STUFF ON... But it's silly because once you get right to the end of the buffet stalls and you've ran out of things you can eat, you look down and realise you've still got three-quarters of your plate to fill. 

Oh, and when we're at a restaurant and looking for the waitress, so you can ask for the bill, why do we all of a sudden turn into meerkats? It's funny because it's so true.

CONTACT DETAILS:

Twitter: @MrFungilicious

YouTube: MrFungilicious
Facebook: MrFungilicious
Keek: MrFungilicious
Skype: MrKaranSingh