The joys of having a baby in the family

Before I write anymore, I want this thought to be erased from your mind: "Ewww!! Jas wrote a post on how good it is to have children just for financial benefits." - I just want to make it clear... that's not the case. This post is just about all the weird shenanigans I get up to/ plan to do with my baby nephew. I'm pretty sure you guys aren't weird enough to do some of the shit I do... So for the benefit of entertainment, read on..

The most fun thing I get up to with my Nephew is what I like to call, "Godzilla Rawr". Grab the big box of Lego and start building tons of towers with them. After you've made the towers, place them around the room. In other words make it look like a colourful city. The next step is: You crouch down with with your hands like a T-Rex pretending your Godzilla and knock all them buildings down. I'd say munch on the Lego for more effect but then again I wouldn't want to teach the poor baby to choke.

I could go on and on, but I just want to keep this post short. So, here's a list of 5 things you could/should try out. NOTE: The baby might not like it, but you sure as Hell will:

1. Respond to all baby-talk, with "come on, you know I don't know French!"
2. Make a nappy helmet! Why? - Because.. Safety First?
3. Use baby as a toy airplane (Warning: Don't throw, because they aren't as bouncy as they look)
4. Use the baby to "attention seek." In other words post a pic/vid with it onto Instagram, Facebook, etc
5. Keep hold of the baby, and start a fight with someone you hate... You'll win... Throw the baby at them.

Before you all worry yourselves, thinking I actually do all of them point... I do... But not to that extent.

Here are some of my favourite pics of my baby nephew:

TWITTER: @MrFungilicious
YOUTUBE: www.youtube.com/mrfungilicious

Me, Myself, My Father... And One Hell Of A Beating.

When I was young, say 6-7 years old, I always used to ask my father to take me to the Theme Park and my father would always lead me on and say that we'd go soon. Thinking about that now, I understand why my dad wouldn't ever take me. It's because the best place for a theme park at the time was a place called Alton Towers and that was literally a 3 hour drive away. Plus when we get there it'd of costed us a fortune for me NOT to be tall enough to go on any of the rides.
I was a mischievous little shit as a child. I did many stupid things to get the ever loving shit beaten out of me by my father. I kicked footballs at moving cars, buses, lorries (trucks). I remember once when I was in school one day and we were allowed to bring a toy in for the day. Reason? I have no frikken' clue but all I remember is that I brought in a Darth Maul Star Wars action figure and I whacked it over a kid's head. That was funny at the time until I got home and found out that the school had contacted my father. Then of course I got the shit beaten out of me like there was no tomorrow.
Out of all the beatings that I deserved (all of them) as a child was when I was around 6. I was outside, on a field opposite my house, sitting with Adam, my neighbour who's about 5 years older than me. And in them days, don't forget, there was no internet porn for guys like us to stare at and wonder wht athe fuck was going on. But there was Sega Megadrive but that of course got boring after a while. The only fun thing to do was go outside and make little kids do stupid shit. And I just so happened to be that one "kid".
Adam and I weren't really friends. He was basically that guy that would always be harsh and nice to me whenever he wanted. So, we were sat outside on the field opposite my house. Bare in mind that there is a road between the field and my house. Adam told me to pull a "moonie" at the next car that went past. I was a little shit so, I agreed and waited for a car to come past on the quiet. After a while, alas, a car came past and I turned around and pulled my pants down. Showing my childhood innocent full moon to the car.

All of a sudden I hear the car hit the breaks directly  in front of my home. I pull my pants back up and slightly shit my pants (not literally). I checked who they were, and I died inside when I realized I knew them. They only lived down the road from us and I had a series of fights with their children. So, they knew who I was too. I saw the door open, a man comes out of the car furiously walking towards my front door. I also saw his children in the back seats shocked from what they just witnessed.

 I sat back down and I preyed to God, hoping my father wouldn't answer the door. I hoped my mother would answer, because she had never raised hit me. She was pretty chilled, well, only comparing to my father. The door opens, and I'm slightly happy to see that my mother answered. They had a small discussion and all I saw was a finger being pointed towards my direction and my mother nodded, the guy walks back into the car and drives off and fucks off to his miserable life.

I sat there waiting for a while, swallowing that lump of fear and guilt in the back of my throat. I also forgot to mention that my mother wouldn't hit me BUT she'd always snitch on me though. My front door opens and out comes my father, looking so angry. If he didn't have such a massive beer-belly I'd of actually compared him to the incredible Hulk and called him the brown Hulk. He storms towards me and grabs me by the ear and literally dragged me across the street while my trainers scraped along the floor. 

I reach inside the house, at the bottom of the stairs, I get two hammer slaps across the face and also hear some pretty funny Punjabi insults thrown at me. As a child I had that shitty careless haircut, which was so easy to grab onto. Let's put it this way, my cousins used to call me a fucking "MUSHROOM". Anyway, so, my father dragged my up the stairs by my precious home-cut hair, throws me into his room and pulls his belt out and starts hitting me with it. After a while I think even he thought it was a bit extreme to use the belt so he throws it away and moves back to the hair. My father grabs my hair and literally swings me off the ground and around the room. All I remember was seeing the room spinning as if I were on a roller-coaster or something. I couldn't feel the top of my head for at least a week or two. Every single time I'd touch it, I'd scream like a school boy bitch with pain.
After a week, my father obviously wanted his son back and got me to sit on his lap. He asks me whether I learned my lesson after such a demolishing ass kicking.. and of course, I still felt cocky and I said, "I'VE LEARNT THAT I SHOULD STOP ASKING TO GO TO THEME PARKS WHEN I CAN GET MY DAD TO GRAB MY HAIR AND MAKE A THEME PARK AT HOME!!"

Pervert? That, I am!

There's a family who live behind us and their back-garden joins with ours. I like to call them the Backdoor-Neighbours. I'm not saying they love it up the ass or anything. Don't get me wrong... they're probably really nice people and I just like giving people odd names. Anyway, they have kids and them little shits always throw their footballs and other shit into our garden. The Father of the family always comes days and days later to get their shit. There was one time were there were like literally hundreds of them little colourful balls in my garden (them balls you have in ballpools, I dunno how else to describe them) and they were there for like a week. My cousin came over one time and questioned why the fuck there were so many balls in my garden and I told him what's happening n' shit and he goes, "Have you seen their Mum? She's a proper MILF!" I let it go by and acted like I didn't give a fuck what she looked like until today...
This morning it was a lovely day, the sun was out, the grass was long, asking to be cut... and there's KIDS' BALLS IN MY GARDEN! I know that sounds dirty and a bit wrong but yeah, that was literally what was there... again. I stood there and thought to myself "Hmmm! I could throw the balls over the fence and be proper rude", but then I realized NO, this is nature's way of saying, "Go check that MILF out." I don't give a shit what you all say but once someone you haven't seen has been classed as a "MILF" or "hot", I don't care who or what you are, you're going to either look them up on Google or check them out somehow.
But obviously she's my neighbour and I can't Google her unless she's Jessica Alba or Cher or something. I can Google them.. well, not Cher because that's disgusting... I might as well Google "Walking Corpse".
So I grabbed the fanciest plastic bag I could find, which happened to be an Asda bag, went in to that garden, picked up all of them balls and walked all the way round the block as I combed my hair with my hand. I rang the doorbell hoping the MILF would answer... I stood there for 5 minutes like an absolute prune and still no answer. Then I thought the doorbell mustn't be working so I just did the normal thing and knocked... Guess who answered? - THE FUCKING DEVILISH BALL THROWING, LIFE RUINING, WANK BANK DESTROYING LIL SHIT!
There's a lesson in this story... and it isn't going to be "Don't be such a pervert!" because as long as I live here in the street of Castle Green, I'm not leaving until I see what she looks like!!!!
The moral of the story is: Don't have kids... Unless you're ugly, I guess.
Peace.

My Pointless Shenanigans

I think I have problems... I get really hyper at random times and sometimes I do it at wrong times. It wouldn't surprise me if I started getting crazily hyper in the middle of a Funeral Ceremony. Well, I wouldn't say it's just 'hyper' itself. There's definitely a combination of other things too like retardation and weirdness with a pinch of sugar.  But here's an example of my pointless shenanigans.
 
My girlfriend called me weird the other day. All I did was curl up into a ball and say, "I'm a Ball Of Tickle. Touch me and I'll tickle you to death." But then I continued to quietly say, "SMALL-PRINT: Tickle me, I'll lose my powers"....

And what does she go and do? Yep.. she only gone and destroyed my whole game by tickling me!!!! DESTROYED MY WHOLE LIFE.... That game I had in my head was like the best invention ever until she ruined it for me. 
I guess I'll just stick to other boring stuff.. like, 'having a conversation'.... Pfft, ain't that some overrated shit... 
PEACE.

TWITTER:  @MrFungilicious
YouTube.com/MrFungilicious

Takeaway Food & I

I want to share a few stories with you. And I hope you find it funny, but most of all I hope you realize that the online delivery service and I have been through a lot together! We're basically fuck buddies... JOKE! Now get that sick imagery out of your perverted minds.
There's one thing I find really funny about the way Just-Eat works. And that is the fact that they email you 3-4 days after your order - asking whether your meal went well and what not. But in my head all I read is "DID YOU HAVE THE SHITS".... That has got to be the reason why they Email you over 3 days later.

On the comment section before the end of the order, I tend to get bored and just send them dirty jokes, or sometimes like to make 'em feel uncomfortable by saying "Add extra chillys.. enough for me to shit for a whole week"

Okay, so here's one story which I found pretty hilarious.
I was hosting a mini get-together at my home last year and I was starving so I thought I'd order some food for myself because I'm a lazy bastard and couldn't be bothered making myself anything plus I don't really know how to cook. So, when I was ordering food, I got up to around £20 in total costs and all I had on the list was like 2 pizzas or something... I carried on with the order and confirmed it with "Pay on Delivery" but as it was pending I realised that it was a restaurant in St. Helens (pretty distant but not too far) so I thought FUCK THAT, that'll take forever... SO I just closed the window on my laptop and carried on searching for another takeaway, thinking nothing about that previous order. From this new Takeaway I found, I ordered the exact same things as I ordered from the other takeaway AND the price came to to £12 ... I high five'd myself straight away and waited... and waited... and waited.. and guess what? - I WAITED... TOOK AN HOUR..... Then it finally came.. I ate it like a monster.... Or you could say, I ate it like an Ethiopian that saw food for the first time.
20 minutes after my feast with my friends, the door knocked again... I went outside, and SAW that it was another delivery guy. But this delivery guy looked like some kind of illegal immigrant -he didnt sound like he was a fluent English speaker... I immediately knew it was the other takeaway from St. Helens so I just went outside.
The delivery guy was confused why I did'nt respond to the box of pizzas so he just said, "did you order food?".. I obviously said NO otherwise I'd have to PAY for something I didn't want. So, he was showing me the receipt WITH MY FUCKIN NAME ON IT & WITH MY ADDRESS ON IT... And I was like, "Naaa, it must be a wrong address or something"... The poor brown guy really confused looking down the street... I didn't want him to bother us again so I told him not to knock again because "EPIC EXCUSE" MY MOTHERS ASLEEP..... And he said "Na, I will ring number, sorry to bother you".
I immediately ran into the house and took the wires out of the house phone... BUT I kept on getting calls on my mobile, but I never picked up... They carried on ringing and ringing for THREE WHOLE HOURS... But I was being a cunt and not picking up.
But then EVENTUALLY I GOT A TEXT SAYING:
"You Paki basterd, I know where you live.. Im gonna get your windows smashed you Curry loving fuckface"
.....I couldnt stop laughing for ages, and my phone was getting swarmed with hate texts soo I went and text THEM BACK... I didn't wanna argue about the abuse, I just wanted to fuck with their heads... I had something in my mind at the time, They called me a "paki" (I'm actually Indian) cause they read my horrible name... So I thpught of the best way to MINDFUCK 'em
I replied saying: "DUDE, I'M WHITE! ;)" .... I woke up to billions of miscalls the next day LMAO

Now, for my final story of this blog-post!!
I got bored waiting for my food so I thought I'd bother the Online Helpline on the site, HERE IT IS... ENJOY and have a nice day:


Welcome to Just Eat Customer Services.

You are through to Lauren. 

Lauren:
Hello, you are through to Lauren, how may I help you?
JAS:
WHERE IS MY FOOD? ♥
Lauren:
I can see it is not due until 17.05pm?
JAS:
thats 5 mins?
Lauren:
Yes
JAS:
butbut but, im hungryyyy
JAS:
lol
Lauren:
So it should be with you in the next 5-6 minutes
Lauren:
Sorry Jas
Lauren:
Is there anything else I can help you with?>
JAS:
Well, I do have a back problem you could help me with,... Oh and a trapped nerve in my neck?
Lauren:
I'm sorry, I can't help you with those things
Lauren:
Is there anything else JUST EAT related that I can help you with?
JAS:
But, you asked You soooo miserable GAWWWWD
JAS:
foods here
JAS:
thakknkkksss
Lauren:
OK, have a nice evening and enjoy your food.

For All X-FACTOR Viewers

I've got a solution for you guys who are moaning about XFactor result or the show itself.... Simply turn the television off, don't pull the plug out BUT pick up the television up and drag it outside make sure the plug ruins the socket so you can't plug in another TV in there without repairing it.... While your outside with the television, walk down towards the nearest bus stop. And If there's no buses til tomorrow - WAIT there till the first bus in the morning (usually 6AM)... DON'T STOP THE BUS... just pretend you're waiting for another bus and just before the bus goes past... THROW THE FUCKER OF A TELEVISION IN FRONT OF THE BUS...... Then last but not least... walk home, AND when you get home, sit back down on the couch/floor (wherever you were sat) and stare at the broken plug socket and have a deep think about WHAT THE FUCK YOU WERE WATCHING IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!!!! What to do next? - I'd say suicide, but that's a tad bit harsh thing to do... well, you could repair the plug socket and plug in a nice lamp or something else gay like that.
PEACE.

I'm Going To Hell

I'M SOO GOING TO HELL LOL... No disrespect to any Christians BUT a couple of Jehovah's Witnesses knocked on my door a moment ago and asked me whether any of my family has ever been a member of the church and I just replied telling 'em that I don't have a clue... They continued talking about Jesus for like 5 mins... I was actually interested in the preaching that they were giving me but after a while I started to feel the cold so I had to come up with something to shut 'em up because I've already given them 5 whole minutes of interest so I can't say I'm not interested... So I said the first stupid thing that cam to my head..... "Our family dance around a burning crucifix and hail Satan!" ... THEY LITERALLY took a step back.. I feel so bad for saying it... I had to shut the door and carry on being an Atheist. 

CONTACT DETAILS:

Twitter: @MrFungilicious

YouTube: MrFungilicious
Facebook: MrFungilicious
Keek: MrFungilicious
Skype: MrKaranSingh

The Buffet

I went to a buffet the other week and realized how all of us humans are somehow alike. When my friend, Graceface and I got our plates and started marching around the buffet, I noticed that everyone was putting little portions on the massive plate, JUST SO THERE'S MORE ROOM TO PUT MORE STUFF ON... But it's silly because once you get right to the end of the buffet stalls and you've ran out of things you can eat, you look down and realise you've still got three-quarters of your plate to fill. 

Oh, and when we're at a restaurant and looking for the waitress, so you can ask for the bill, why do we all of a sudden turn into meerkats? It's funny because it's so true.

CONTACT DETAILS:

Twitter: @MrFungilicious

YouTube: MrFungilicious
Facebook: MrFungilicious
Keek: MrFungilicious
Skype: MrKaranSingh