Snowfall in England

Ooooo snow. Normal people would think about building a snowman or having a snow fight when they witness snow for the first time in over a year... 

Me? I just really wanna piss all over it, high five myself, call myself Leonardo Da Vinci and and get back into bed.

It's just gone past the halfway mark of January and weather forecasts are alarming us all about snowfall. We wouldn't be British if we didn't panic.. so what do we do? Get the grit salt ready and put it all over your driveway? - No, of course not. How about get some de-icer spray for when the car windscreen gets icy as fuck? - Nope. That's a dumb idea... I'll just put boiling hot water on it and take the risk of cracking the whole window. How about go onto social media and write a life long status about how much you hate the snow, how much you love the snow, and best of all... Moan about people writing statuses about the snow? - Yes, that's the best idea of  them all.

The morning comes, you look outside your window... you see the streets are whiter than your bed-sheets (but then again you've got an excuse for that; nocturnal enuresis.) You think back and start to hate the fact you weren't prepared for this moment. You've got to drive literally 10 minutes down the road through less than a centimeter's height of snow and you're convinced if you drive, you'll most definitely die. So you start to think of different plans. Walk? Fuck that, you'll be walking like frikken' Bambi. But you ignore all the plans in your head, because you start to feel this hatred for that person who said that it's too cold to snow... You start to picture yourself suffocating that person with your dirty socks. Not because you realised that they were wrong, but because you still haven't a single clue what on Earth they were on about and you're certain it's the most stupidest logic you've ever heard. You start to question if you even learnt about snow in school. Your mind skips all the stuff you did at school... Slowly and gradually, you find yourself looking at the snow white scenery outside your window whilst questioning your entire life... 

Then all of a sudden you stand up and you decide to make a snowman, You dedicate a whole 10 minutes making this snowman. Why? Oh, of course, because it's January and you didn't expect it to ever snow so you haven't even got gloves on. You're almost certain your hands are blistering with blood pouring out of it, till you look at them and realise you have a fucked up imagination, Despite the fact you're fine, you still give up on that snowman because you start to feel a little cold... You look at your Snowman; you see that it was the most pathetic thing you've ever made - you start to feel that's how your parents feel about you too, so you build all this rage inside of you and you just run at the snowman and tackle it to smithereens. You get up off the ground wishing you hadn't made a snowman and wished you made something funny to put on Instagram, like a giant ejaculating penis... Your mind starts telling you to start making one, but the better half of you says "fuck it, I'll do that next year" so you go back inside and wrap up all comfortable and get back into bed and watch movies all day until you fall back to sleep again.

Enjoy the snow, folks...

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